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August 19, 2015

Dressed Up and Nowhere to Go

To the Reader:

The next few postings represent a twenty four hour period, in some very dark days.
No one knows, but God Himself, the kind of battles waged and lost, fought and won in the heart and mind. Truly, "A day is as a thousand years and a thousand years are as a day...."

9/26 7:00 AM

I believe in you, O Lord.

You are the Maker of heaven and earth.

You created all things.

I bow to you.

I worship you.

But I can't express how desperately I wish I could see you with my eyes.

I mean really see you, like I see the chair, the book case, the desk in front of me.

I want you here.

There is no doubt that I would drop to my knees, open my hands and submit all things to you. In an instant.

Forgive my little faith.

Open my eyes, Lord, I can't see clearly.

Open my ears, Lord, all the sounds are muffled to me.

Life is like a party going on at the other end of the hall.

I hear it but I'm not part of it.

I want to be redeemed.

I want to be free.

And yes, I will confess it, I want these more than You.

Please Lord, take over my mind and heart.

Lead me and guide me.

I don't feel ready for this day.

In the name of Jesus, Amen

9/26 10:47 AM

Lord, you see my heart.

I am full of conflict and feel utterly alone.

I am a pitiful mess and I don't know how I go on like this, day after day.

There is no sense of direction, no resolution of conflict.

I have all these plates spinning and I move constantly, from one to another.

Look what I have allowed my life to become!

I don't like who I am.

I am angry and frustrated to the edge.

Please help me.

9/26 1:50 PM

Lord, this daily, monotonous grind is killing me.

I was built to serve in a dangerous place.

I am all suited up for the fight, I'm ready to die.

I think I missed the deployment.

I show up but the trucks are gone.

I'm standing on the street and there are no men in this place.

All I see is skirts and kids.

All dressed up and nowhere to go
Miles from the opportunity to fight
Miles from the opportunity to die with dignity

So, now what do I do?

Just stand here and wait??

Dress down?

Take off the gear, put down the weapon. eat cookies, get fat, tinker till I die?

Lord, why didn't you tell me you were leaving?!!!

To the Reader:
There is a part of us that does not and cannot understand God without Him first putting us through our paces. I picture Him handling us like a trainer works a wild horse on a line. Round and round we go until we learn, until we understand.

9/27 7:00 AM

"the light shines in the darkness but the darkness has not understood it"

This is so true, Lord. You are the light and I do not understand you.

I am tethered to you but I do not comprehend you or your ways.

I know what I expected but I do not understand what I got.

I thought you recruited me to do your work, but you seem to have left me behind.

I don't remember failing to follow you. I don't remember refusing to listen.

Is this some kind of training?

But the camp is empty.
The barracks are abandoned.
No supplies come in.
No troops go out.
No one firing at the range.
No one drills.
The flag does not fly.

This is not training.

I remember training.

I got stronger every day.

They fed me. They drilled me. They pushed me to run and ordered a "lights out."

Lord, I'm not getting stronger!

I am very confused but I trust you Lord. Maranatha.

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